


Train track

by Cartener



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz (Two River Cast) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Squip, Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Protective Michael, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Toxic friendship, because he wanted to be popular, but he just made michael hate him, but jeremy was still a douche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 05:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14513511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartener/pseuds/Cartener
Summary: Jeremy doesnt want to go on anymore, hes lost his best friend, nobody really cares about him, so hes decided to end it. but if noone cares will anyone be there to stop him?One-shot





	Train track

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning suicide if youre in a bad place right now please dont read this and get the help you need! we all care about you and want you to be happy.

Jeremy had truly fucked up once and for all. He’d hurt and been horrible to the only person who truly cared about him and for what? To gain acceptance of people that had hurt him again and again, who would never really care even if they acted like they did now. Jeremy heere was an idiot who knew he couldn’t take back the past no matter how much he wishes he could so if he couldn’t take away the past he could take away the future. That way he couldn’t hurt anyone else. It was easy enough.

And soon enough he was on the end of the train track, the end of a station that had once been used but had now long been abandoned because it was no longer needed, what a fitting place to end his life.

Half an hour for the next train to come, 45 minutes till the one after that, none again till morning. He only had 2 chances.

He jumped the gate, sat on the long abandoned benches of the station, and waited in the place he wasn’t meant to be in, and thought about how he wasn't meant to be here in more ways than one.

The last few weeks he felt numb, like there was a rock in his chest pulling him down and making very movement feel like he’d run a marathon. Yet now he felt weightless. His stomach should be twirling with butterflies yet he felt oddly calm for the first time in his life, He pulled his phone out to make one last message.

**To Christine-**

**I’ve screwed everything up. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be around to hurt people anymore, please tell Michael that I’m sorry I screwed up so bad that I'm too pathetic to say this to him directly, I can’t even say my last words to my best friend of 12 years. I don’t need him to forgive me, hell I wouldn’t forgive me either. I’m blabbering. Just I’m sorry for what I’m about to do.**

Message sent.

He went off the chat, pulling up the on between him and Michael, he’d never deleted it, so there were hundreds of messages left from when they were still friends, a hundred left from the moment it all ended. Jeremy couldn’t say it was sudden, because of his actions it had been on and off with Michael for a long time. Making friends, him screwing up again, making friends, it turned into déjà vu ish mush in his brain, not remembering how many times it had happened, how he did so much wrong so quickly. And now they hadn’t talked for over a month and Michael had clearly said he didn’t want to, ‘why did we even make friends again?’ he refused to even say goodbye.

His phone buzzed.

**From Christine-**

**Jeremy!? Where are you?? I’m really worried please reply, I’ve told Michael he said he’d coming to find you. Please don’t do this. We all love you, you can talk to us about anything.**

_Michael._ Usually Jeremy would have been happy that Christine his meant-to-be long time crush cared about him but he knew the truth, she only cared because she was nice person, because she was meant to care not because it meant anything. She couldn’t understand, only Michael did. She would just say ‘ _be more positive’, ‘be happy’, you’ll get over this and it’ll be like it never happened’._ Like it was easy, like he hadn’t tried, like he could if he wanted to. Only Michael had ever understood and he had pushed him away and he’s coming now, which further made Jeremy feel more terrible. Christine had made him come to save him, he didn’t deserve to be saved.

_God I wish the train would come quicker._

He closed his eyes trying to steady his breathing. He now felt like he was going to be sick, his stomach looping around and his legs turning to jelly. _Michael, Michael, Michael._  The boy he had been in love with since 8th grade, the boy who had the ability to make his life amazing but also make his life collapse, the reason he found out his sexuality and was now constantly on edge because if his dad knew he would have nowhere to go. Just more to the list of things people told him to get over, told him he could move past, told him, told him.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting there now, thoughts spiralling. But through his hyperventilating and his ears glazing over he didn't pick up every slight tap or click to send him into a nervous sensory overdrive if he had heard the familiar sound of a pt. cruisier turning off, of the door opening and then slamming shut. And then the soft voice he hadn’t heard for over a month. _Michael._

“Jeremy!?” he could hear again.

His voice sounded firm, but also shaky, he was scared. Why would he be scared? He didn’t care, why would he care when he had screwed up so badly, ruined everything so much. _Hurt him so much._ You can’t take back the past, it’ll be like déjà vu again, fixing, hurting, bleeding, ending. This was meant to be the real end. He couldn’t bring himself to look up.

But he heard the shoes propel themselves over the fencing, and he heard him land back on the other side after the fence cracked in protest, years after years of no upkeep. And he heard the footsteps come closer and closer. _I don’t want him to see my like this. I don’t want him to see me crying._ He still couldn’t bring himself to look up. And then…

Warm.

Jeremy was enveloped in the soft warm of the larger boy. Forcing his eyes open to look at him. Michael's eyes were serious, it looked like he had been crying and his glasses were fogged up, not enough to be particularly noticeable though. His shirt was on backwards, as if he had run out of the house so quick that he had barely had time to put it on let alone focus on whether it was on right. His hear was scruffy, uncombed and looked like he had just got out of bed and he was looking at Jeremy as if they were still best friends and he cared whether his friend was about to off himself. _Which couldn’t be true._

In his head Jeremy wanted this moment to continue forever, for them to not have to talk over things like the fact that Jeremy is fuck up or the fact that in a matter of moments a train would pass by and that train was supposed to be the thing that killed him. He wanted to be enveloped in Michael’s arms and cry and not let go so that they wouldn’t have time to fall out again, Jeremy wouldn’t have time to be broken again, it’d be… nice.

The train rushed by and he should be dead by now. He shouldn’t exist right now, he shouldn’t have existed in the first place.

“Jer why’re you here?”

_Jer._ He hadn’t heard him say that it in a long time. It’s been a month since he’d said anything to him, a millennia since he’d called him by that name, the name that meant he didn’t hate me, the pet name that says he cares. _But he fucked up so he must just be doing it to comfort him, to get him away from this track so he can tell him how much of a screw up he is, how much he ruined his life._ And all if it would be true of course. He ruined everyone’s life that he came into contact with.

“I don’t want to hurt people anymore,”

“You’ll hurt people by dying, what about your friends, your dad, _me?”_

His friends- the people he had been horrible to Michael to get. They didn’t care, they wanted Jeremy around sure but they didn’t want the emotions, the anxiety, they didn’t want sad Jeremy, they wanted happy neurotypical Jeremy.

His dad- did he even act like a dad anyway? Sure he tried his hardest to be a dad, he stuck around when mum left, he promised to stay by him but he ruined his dad’s life too. He ruined it just by being born, he’d been told so. His dad got with his mum, she got pregnant and his dad had had to cancel going to university and living his dream job and had to stay in an abusive marriage for years, and even then Jeremy wasn’t a good enough son to keep his mother there. His dad would be better off without him because no matter how much he tried he would fail him, he couldn’t be his perfect son he wasn’t even a good puppet for him to play with. And the second Jeremy came out with his big secret- that he was gay and not only that was in love with Michael, his best friend, his dad wouldn’t even consider him a son anymore.

And Michael, even if Michael did care, Jeremy only hurt him by being around.

“I’m hurting you by being here,”

Michael pulled back, looking Jeremy in the eyes with a face like stone.

“You are not hurting me my being here, sure you’ve done some awful stuff I’m not going to lie. You’ve hurt me but I still care about you. I promised you, no matter what happened, no matter how bad things are between us I will _always_ be there for you. Any hour of the day or night, I will not have you dying while I’m still here, you get that Jeremy Heere?”

Anxiety built up in Jeremy’s stomach again, he gulped back the saliva in his mouth before nodding at the taller boy in front of him. _He could do that. He could do that for Michael._

“Good because I fucking love you now let’s get you away from this damn train track!”

Michael took his hand, pulling him up from the dilapidated bench over to the fence where he picked up the still quivering boy and lightly threw him over before hoisting himself over as well. Dragging him back to the car where he sat him down, doing his seat belt for him like he was still a child and needed protecting. Maybe Jeremy wanted protecting, he really didn’t want to be alone.

He hoped this lasted this time. He hoped he wouldn’t screw up this time.

As the car pulled the boys away from what was meant to be the end Jeremy saw the second train zoom by.


End file.
